dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just had sex on a roof
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
