M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
