I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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