I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
and she was petting her beer can
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
