Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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