He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
