I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize