When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
