my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
