I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
