we'll go far in life on tits alone.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
