He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
