Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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