She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
