some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
grandma shit on top of the toilet
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
