Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
