literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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