I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
