i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
