can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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