thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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