I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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