Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
