I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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