someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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