My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
