true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
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