The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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