I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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