4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
