you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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