I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
