I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
