Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
