wrigley field is MILF paradise
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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