Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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