respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
