You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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