cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
