I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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