Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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