Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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