1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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