Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
the raccoons are back...
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