We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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