You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
