Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Randomize
