So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
