He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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