her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
