The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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