On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
