Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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