I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
