Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
