Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
