can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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