I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
