You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
