bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
