OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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