I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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