we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Randomize
