haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
