Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
